come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

            curvy girl warning

be   gentle   with   me,   please
i deal with enough in the medical world
they chew me up and spit me out
too fat for real medicine
too big to be seen as 	   real
too much for even the mri to see within
so          who knows, really, what it is
just that i know something is really wrong
that i hurt like i haven't before
that i deal with pain on a daily basis
        and this New Pain Makes Me Want To Cry
but i didn't fit 
and they didn't call back
so now i have to play chase 
        like girls and boys in the school yard
        like men and women in bars
        like all the things i hate
but i'm simply a fat girl now
        too big to have real concerns
cuz they'll say
         "if you just lose some weight"
         or 
       	"exercise more"
as if 	the panacea of thinness 
         is enough
as if 	starving myself into disappearing
         is enough
as if 	taking a shot or a pill
         is enough
to stop a lifetime 
         of injuries and hurt
         a societal epoch
           of women being
         (invisible)
         for 
   	     (e)quality
 medicine
          weight 
is merely	    the newest 	            lie

ljidol week 3 prompt : ecco (italian: here it is, like right now, being presented)

                              ECCO

         (ECHO ECCo ECho Ecco echo)
i can't see you in this hall of mirrors
i cannot hear you in this empty chamber
i can't feel you on my skin from across the ages
i cannot taste your kisses
         (anymore)

you were my first love
tall, blonde, and naive
you were a best friend
knowing me way back when
you were my everything 
(and my nothing)
you have been a homing point for 33 years
camping in fields of folkies
kissing in basements
sharing stories of next loves 
as we grew into adulthood
what do i do when you move to another
        		hemisphere

         (ECCO ECHo ECco Echo ecco)
the time nigh
and off you go
you will always be my first
			  first love
			  first touch
			  first to know so many of my secrets
and here we are 
		adults in our own right
	spouses and children to love and protect
and you’re leaving me
i can’t say that i blame you
	i don’t know how much you still care
though i’ve kept a chamber of my heart open
just for you
	moving forward and moving on 
do you know 
that you helped create who i am 
today
	(the strength and the love)
		do you know 
that i still care
and these echo chambers will fall silent
	these halls of mirrors will shatter fast
		skin will dry and crack from lack of your hug
and you
        you shall be happy
	building new halls and chambers
	        touching the skin of the one that fits you
		in a land of your choice
			so far away from me
i believe in the choices we have made
	i believe that we have arrived
		   that we are here
             and you will always be 
    an ecco in my heart

			RETREAT

what about when you don't fit
when you feel like you don't
         BELONG
i used my blue crutches
and hobbled my way around
the trolley only working odd hours
missing late nights
         early mornings
         and in-between meets and classes
this retreat was not for me
        INCLUSION
         they scream from the rooftops
         but they left out me and my friends
         they left out       
                                        me
so i rode the u-haul  rides up and down the hill
        skipping things i wanted to go to
         because i had to rest not hobble
         i had to rest not break
         because inclusion is for so many
         but at this retreat
         in this community
         inclusion doesn't count                         
 me
		it broke
and saying, simply, “i hear you” 
	isn’t enough
		ACTIONS speak 
		words whisper
here i am post coital from the retreat
	a sad sack sore lump of human
		glad to be home
		happy to be gone
	

this year i’m only bordering mad
	next year i’m gonna be pissed

                  keel hauling my heart




don’t you know i loved you
	i gave you my heart the day you said you gave me yours
	you know i loved you
		but you seem not to have cared

and like a mutineer on a pirate ship of old
	you punish me
		your rightful law
	you punish me
		tie me up and throw me down
			into the water
	pull pull pull 
		under the ship i go
	salt in my wounds
		i try not to scream
		 try not to breathe
	back and body bashed against the boat
	as they pull me all to slowly
		under under 
				down i go


this is my rightful punishment 
	my heart tied to yours 
			forever
	our hearts 
		combined in love and hatred
 	our hearts
		combined

don’t you know
		i loved you

		your first rodeo

today you walk the halls of crazy
relearning how to trust the world around you
re-finding yourself in a mess of messiness
it is so new and so scary
i can't express how sorry I am that you are here
another body in the hallways of ghosts and second guessing

i don't know your particular flavor of crazy
your room in this game of mirrors is decorated differently than mine
my malfunction is my own and yours yours

but look around these rooms
these hallways, both metaphorical and real,

you are not alone

we are your friends and your family
and while this may be your first rodeo
i've ridden this bull a million times
and it gets easier
it gets better
you get easier and better in your own mind and body

you learn to heal

you will find new ways to manage your fears and worries
learn to lasso the wildness inside you back into a submission that you feel safe with
you'll figure out when it's okay to yell yee-ha 
and when you should keep the words a bit quieter

you'll learn which meds are the rodeo clowns
protecting you from danger
which ones will lull the beasts to sleep
and which ones awaken new nightmares that whimper and walk on foal legs
attempting to gain purchase in your mind
you learn the tricks of the crazy-trade by looking the stallion in the eyes 
	how to work with your steed
this is not my first rodeo
and it's probably not your last
but you are not alone and we will hold your hand through it all

  

	       i am from	
         (the hudson, part I)	



i am from a city on the hudson 
  green
          trees envy me
  because i walk with the legs they dream of

this river is like sap in my veins
   rooting me
                  to this land
   touching me
                 with beauty
    chaining me
                 with invisible threads

my prayers go out to the river
dropping like child thrown pebbles
       and then forgotten
               as waves devour the ripples
                      of my concern

i envy the trees the simplicity
     of their capture
  they need the land until death calls
  there is no question
                               only dreams

i have the possibility of distancing myself
   the physical        foot     follows    foot    ability

but my roots dig far into this soil
clenching at bedrock
refusing to give me wings