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		When it Rains, It Pours


i do not believe in the power of prayer.

i do not believe in the power of prayer
	i wish i could outthink cancer
		outpray it
		out prey it
but no science has brought us far enough
	and so many of my loves 	
	keep fighting these battles on the cellular level

i know that people are fighting
	in their bodies
	in their labs
     and i just keep adding to my lists of people i miss
			or people fighting for their lives

it’s not one
	it feels like all
	my brother
	my mother
	my friend
	my friend 
	my friend
	       …

and when it rains, it pours
	so many people i know missing organs
		missing human touch while they fight
			their internal wars
		and the hits keep on coming
			       keep on moving towards this brutal future
			i fear my skin and my pains
				and more so i fear yours
		how many more names must i add to the dead
				how many more candles in hope of life
			i do not believe in the power of prayer
				i believe in the power of science
			     but we aren’t here to save lives yet
				we are at measures to comfort
				organs to remove
			      when cancer comes calling
			knocking at my door
			       taking my loves
		i believe in the power of science
			and i believe in grief and fear
				as it touches me cold
			fighting for all the candles i must light
		it’s not just one
			i miss so many
				and fear for so many more

		when it rains
				it pours

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                  keel hauling my heart




don’t you know i loved you
	i gave you my heart the day you said you gave me yours
	you know i loved you
		but you seem not to have cared

and like a mutineer on a pirate ship of old
	you punish me
		your rightful law
	you punish me
		tie me up and throw me down
			into the water
	pull pull pull 
		under the ship i go
	salt in my wounds
		i try not to scream
		 try not to breathe
	back and body bashed against the boat
	as they pull me all to slowly
		under under 
				down i go


this is my rightful punishment 
	my heart tied to yours 
			forever
	our hearts 
		combined in love and hatred
 	our hearts
		combined

don’t you know
		i loved you

		your first rodeo

today you walk the halls of crazy
relearning how to trust the world around you
re-finding yourself in a mess of messiness
it is so new and so scary
i can't express how sorry I am that you are here
another body in the hallways of ghosts and second guessing

i don't know your particular flavor of crazy
your room in this game of mirrors is decorated differently than mine
my malfunction is my own and yours yours

but look around these rooms
these hallways, both metaphorical and real,

you are not alone

we are your friends and your family
and while this may be your first rodeo
i've ridden this bull a million times
and it gets easier
it gets better
you get easier and better in your own mind and body

you learn to heal

you will find new ways to manage your fears and worries
learn to lasso the wildness inside you back into a submission that you feel safe with
you'll figure out when it's okay to yell yee-ha 
and when you should keep the words a bit quieter

you'll learn which meds are the rodeo clowns
protecting you from danger
which ones will lull the beasts to sleep
and which ones awaken new nightmares that whimper and walk on foal legs
attempting to gain purchase in your mind
you learn the tricks of the crazy-trade by looking the stallion in the eyes 
	how to work with your steed
this is not my first rodeo
and it's probably not your last
but you are not alone and we will hold your hand through it all