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curvy girl warning
be gentle with me, please
i deal with enough in the medical world
they chew me up and spit me out
too fat for real medicine
too big to be seen as real
too much for even the mri to see within
so who knows, really, what it is
just that i know something is really wrong
that i hurt like i haven't before
that i deal with pain on a daily basis
and this New Pain Makes Me Want To Cry
but i didn't fit
and they didn't call back
so now i have to play chase
like girls and boys in the school yard
like men and women in bars
like all the things i hate
but i'm simply a fat girl now
too big to have real concerns
cuz they'll say
"if you just lose some weight"
or
"exercise more"
as if the panacea of thinness
is enough
as if starving myself into disappearing
is enough
as if taking a shot or a pill
is enough
to stop a lifetime
of injuries and hurt
a societal epoch
of women being
(invisible)
for
(e)quality
medicine
weight
is merely the newest lie
My Fibromyalgia Tips
Aug. 19th, 2017 06:47 pmAn acquaintance was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was looking for “tips and tricks” for dealing with it. This is the list that I’ve come up with.
1. Remember that the pain is real. THE PAIN IS REAL! Even if there isn't a known cause.
2. I searched far and wide to find a way to track my pain. The best I came up with for me was this app. Now I mostly use it to track when I take my PRN meds, but it is still super helpful. http://fibromapp.com/
3. I have to take it easy. I have to schedule downtime into my life. I can't just run and be interesting all the time anymore.
4. HOT baths help me. Heating pads. Occasionally, ice packs to my back (when the pain is super tight muscles).
5. I have a Massage Envy membership and, usually, get weekly 90 minute massages. I "like" deep tissue, myself. DEEEEP tissue because my upper back tightens into a wall of pain.
6. Be gentle with yourself. You aren't where you want to be with your body, but it is what it is and you have to work with it the best you can.
7. There are a lot of *things* that I get that help. I have several types of back roller that can help me. I have yoga toes thingies (like this https://www.amazon.com/Original-YogaToes-Sapphire-Stretcher-Separator/dp/B002SPV068/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503193802&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=yoga+toes&psc=1) that help relax my feet. I am well aware that much of chronic pain relief involves spending money. I am aware that that sucks and is massively unfair and unjust.
8. I try to make my life easier, when I can, with things like a housecleaner for the bathrooms and floors. Or using instacart for grocery delivery most of the time. I’ve had to work towards being ok with eating out/ordering in more often than I cook.
9. I am now using a fanny pack (I found a not ugly one) so that carrying a purse doesn't put my body off-kilter and off balance.
10. I got a permanent handicap placard (takes a form from your doctor to go to the DMV).
11. Let yourself get mad, angry, etc when you do. But also, let it pass. Forgive yourself.
12. Accept help when offered. Ask for help when needed. Be okay within yourself needing help.
13. Yoga *really* helped for awhile. But then I had some mechanical issues (meniscus tear). Now I'm not in a place where I can do it, but hope to get to it again. That's okay, too. Yoga is not the panacea that others seem to think it is.
14. Listen to your body. There was a time my lower back hurt. A lot. Maybe it was perimenopausal cramps or maybe just my bad luck. But I sat on the couch with it for days. Ended up being a UTI that turned into a kidney infection. Oops.
15. Find a friend that you can vent at on days that suck. Another good friend of mine has ended up with a fibro diagnosis and we often just bitch at each other on messenger about the suck that is fibro. Neither of us are trying to cure the other one here; we just want to vent.
16. It’s okay to fire your doctor(s) if they don’t believe you or your pain.
17. Paraffin dip. Nice, warm paraffin dip.
18. Read other’s reports about what works and doesn’t work for them. I have gotten many ideas and things to try from reading about other’s fibro or other chronic pain.
19. Don’t forget about pharmaceuticals. There are a few FDA approved meds (none of which seem to work for me). There are some meds that can help various bits of fibromyalgia. There are pain meds that have varying efficacy and varying dangers. Be aware of all sides and don’t suffer needlessly.
1. Remember that the pain is real. THE PAIN IS REAL! Even if there isn't a known cause.
2. I searched far and wide to find a way to track my pain. The best I came up with for me was this app. Now I mostly use it to track when I take my PRN meds, but it is still super helpful. http://fibromapp.com/
3. I have to take it easy. I have to schedule downtime into my life. I can't just run and be interesting all the time anymore.
4. HOT baths help me. Heating pads. Occasionally, ice packs to my back (when the pain is super tight muscles).
5. I have a Massage Envy membership and, usually, get weekly 90 minute massages. I "like" deep tissue, myself. DEEEEP tissue because my upper back tightens into a wall of pain.
6. Be gentle with yourself. You aren't where you want to be with your body, but it is what it is and you have to work with it the best you can.
7. There are a lot of *things* that I get that help. I have several types of back roller that can help me. I have yoga toes thingies (like this https://www.amazon.com/Original-YogaToes-Sapphire-Stretcher-Separator/dp/B002SPV068/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503193802&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=yoga+toes&psc=1) that help relax my feet. I am well aware that much of chronic pain relief involves spending money. I am aware that that sucks and is massively unfair and unjust.
8. I try to make my life easier, when I can, with things like a housecleaner for the bathrooms and floors. Or using instacart for grocery delivery most of the time. I’ve had to work towards being ok with eating out/ordering in more often than I cook.
9. I am now using a fanny pack (I found a not ugly one) so that carrying a purse doesn't put my body off-kilter and off balance.
10. I got a permanent handicap placard (takes a form from your doctor to go to the DMV).
11. Let yourself get mad, angry, etc when you do. But also, let it pass. Forgive yourself.
12. Accept help when offered. Ask for help when needed. Be okay within yourself needing help.
13. Yoga *really* helped for awhile. But then I had some mechanical issues (meniscus tear). Now I'm not in a place where I can do it, but hope to get to it again. That's okay, too. Yoga is not the panacea that others seem to think it is.
14. Listen to your body. There was a time my lower back hurt. A lot. Maybe it was perimenopausal cramps or maybe just my bad luck. But I sat on the couch with it for days. Ended up being a UTI that turned into a kidney infection. Oops.
15. Find a friend that you can vent at on days that suck. Another good friend of mine has ended up with a fibro diagnosis and we often just bitch at each other on messenger about the suck that is fibro. Neither of us are trying to cure the other one here; we just want to vent.
16. It’s okay to fire your doctor(s) if they don’t believe you or your pain.
17. Paraffin dip. Nice, warm paraffin dip.
18. Read other’s reports about what works and doesn’t work for them. I have gotten many ideas and things to try from reading about other’s fibro or other chronic pain.
19. Don’t forget about pharmaceuticals. There are a few FDA approved meds (none of which seem to work for me). There are some meds that can help various bits of fibromyalgia. There are pain meds that have varying efficacy and varying dangers. Be aware of all sides and don’t suffer needlessly.
LJ Idol 10 - Week 10: Take a Hike
Mar. 2nd, 2017 02:47 pmhike my back throbs a steady staccato of pain my shoulders knotted, knotting as i write pain shooting down to my right elbow my knees crackling louder than bonfire and celebration the left one is torn inside I wish it would all just take a hike disappear vanish into thin air just for a minute, an hour, a day, a lifetime just vanish if my pain were to disappear i would not mourn for it i would wait nervously scared of its return but i wouldn’t put it on milk cartons or interview people about it on tv i would just wait i would slowly learn to be who i am again walking faster stretching further i would return to yoga calm and strength in one i would play more board games with my family and sit on the floor building legos with my son i would call my friends and suggest that we take a hike that we build up to weekend backpacking trips again i would camp under the stars in nothing but a bivy sack to protect me i would not miss my pain but for now it is pretty constant the knot in my shoulder tightening across my neck leaving more parts of me to hurt leaving me with choices of medication and hot baths concoctions and cauldrons to heal me i remain unhealed
Please go to the following link and VOTE. About half the group I am in (the last one) is being left out of the game. Your vote counts. http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/888626.html
And you can, of course, watch and hear me read if you prefer:
go here to read more entries: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/887291.html?view=80432123#t80432123
"All lies and jest still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest." simon and garfunkel
hear me.
listen, let my knees sing to you the songs of their people
crackling like fire
like gears with no lubrication
moving ever forward
ever aging against themselves
my toe heals from being cut open
bunion surgery at 40
I age with a false smile
I age with an awkward pain scale
the doctor says I’m fine
just a little physical therapy
lose some weight
lighten the load i carry
lighten the load that is me
he sees me as
BMI
a magic diagnoses
obese
size 18
my complaints no longer matter
i am diagnosed f a t.
fibromyalgia is real
but the pain isn’t
i am told no opiates
no muscle relaxers
nothing to calm my nerves
or sing me to sleep
i am told that even ibuprofen should be more limited
chronic pain is long term
learn to wait it out
learn to b r e a t h e past it
i learn that my grimaces
my yelps
my eleven thousand steps a day
my massages and my psychiatrist
my 7 on the pain scale fall on deaf ears
diagnosis complete my thoughts are released to the still air
he hears what he sees
he thinks he understands
my doctor thinks I am fat
my laughs fall like tears
my pain is more than bmi
my pain deserves to be heard
I deserve to be heard
And you can, of course, watch and hear me read if you prefer:
go here to read more entries: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/887291.html?view=80432123#t80432123
the fiction of the fix
we like to believe in answers
in absolutes
we like to believe that life makes sense
and that everything has a cure
doctors are no more than medicine men
dressed in white coats
suit and tie or scrubs
we expect answers
as they whirl around us
sterile amulets draped about them
my body felt torn and old
simply walking and breathing hurt
sleep was agony
and i went to find answers
my body demanded something
my mind crumpled under the pressure
I begged for a fix
a cure
but there was nothing that they could do
no proven answers
no proven name
just a vague diagnosis, a syndrome
(fibromyalgia)
i saw multiple doctors
different names, different credentials
i tried different drugs
but the cure i sought
(the cure i seek)
is fictional
the salve to cure my screaming joints
my aching muscles
the exercise to quiet my body and mind
so that sleep is heavy and deep
the fix is only fiction
is only a dream
i walk with fire in my body
i will smile in defiance of my ailments
at least in my mind
i will stand strong
until fiction becomes reality
See and hear me read here:
Fibromyalgia is no joke, yo. It sucks tacks. Not mentioned in the poem is that consistent yoga helps me. As well as hot baths, hot tub, and hot showers. 1-2 weeks of a flexeril three times a day might be helping me go into something like remission, but the jury is still out on the cause of my recent remissions. It's also really hard to accept some of the limitations that come with chronic pain. For instance, I don't typically have time to shower before I go downstairs to get the kidlet ready for school; I finally got a cane to help me not involuntarily wince for every one of the 17 steps. It helps, but I surely don't want to think of myself as needing a cane... Gah. The fix becoming reality would be really, really nice.
If you like what you see here go vote: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/787328.html
