come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

                 life used to be hard
	 	                 (for maria and tina)




life used to be hard


i mean, in a way that breathing was difficult
	   opening my eyes every morning spelled failure
               and placing footstep after footstep was momentous


i mean, in a way that every bridge with a low fence struck me as a blessing
            the trees beckoned to me while i drove
            and razorblades wrote their poetry on my skin


i used to know life only through pain and struggle
	i thought that they were one and the same
	i thought that life was only numbness and tears


life used to be hard
	i knew laughter and smiles
but there were so many more messages of fighting
i saw blood and weapons on the street
drugs and violence in the places we lived


i became the daughter that learned of books and silence
my brother learned about adrenaline and jumped off mountains
we grew from rocky ground evolving into different species


i thought that i needed the struggle to feel alive
	that it was the only way 
	that
	       there was only pain


but now i breathe deeply in california
	kiss my husband every day
	and i can feel my son’s heartbeat when i look at him


i wash the sleepies from my eyes every morning
	glad that i have woken yet again
	that i am alive to see a new day


most mornings i walk my son to school
	foot follows foot for a mile
	we talk about our lives and about what we are learning 


i relish the fact that life itself is no longer a struggle
i mean, i view bridges as paths 
      	 trees are now friends offering oxygen and beauty
	 and razorblades are nothing more than tools and memories


i want you to know that i am not alone
	that you are not alone in this world that feeds you struggle after struggle
	keep hanging on
	
i mean, i mean that i want you to live
	because you are worth the struggle
	and i’m not done learning from your songs

				together


“suicide”
	i can hear you say it
	voice a harsh whisper
		i can even hear the quote marks placed around the word
			as if punctuation can save you
					or change the recent past


			it
		       cannot 

oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word a whisper in my head
	over and over again
oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word shouted
		    sudden in my head
	“suicide” demanded by someone other than myself
				by someone that lives in my head and lies
	
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies

“suicide” i can feel you looking at me
	i am a woman marked 
			the sword of damocles on my wrists
						         my heart
	i am a woman marked by the truth
				   by the past
		a woman marked by poets i love
				and a tendency towards darkness and death

today i do not want to die

i want to live my life with a clear mind
		live my life with clear intent
			live my life

but it is never that easy
	  never so clear cut
	
there is a battle to be won
		a battle waged with chemicals and pills
		a battle waged in propaganda 
			posters covering my eyes

and sometimes we, as a whole, forget
	forget that depression is an illness that lurks and hides
						that hides behind smiles
								      and laughter
   								      and jokes
		that talent and money can’t save us

but i can
      you can
	caring hearts can

take away the scare quotes when you say the word
suicide
suicide
suicide

get used to the feel of the word on your tongue

and speak its name when it comes
	speak its name
	and drop the sword
       with great power comes great responsibility
hug your friends
hug your family
hug strangers that need to be touched and reminded

together
		together we can put away the knives
					close the ovens
					wind the rope back up
together we can live