come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

			the gauntlet


I stand in mountain pose, eyes closed
			       arms to my sides
			       tailbone and neck aligned
			       breathing in peace and calm
			       breathing out stress and pain

i stand

i breathe

i am ready for the day
        ready to face the gauntlet

		ready

eyes slowly open
	(i am alive)
arms stretch up to reach the heavens
 	(i am alive)

step follows step, I begin to walk the corridor
		soldiers on each side
		armed with maces and words
step follows step, the maces bite and the words sting

i fear the words more
	i could run through avoid bodily damage with duck and cover techniques
	i could run through with wounds minor enough to heal
but a gauntlet of trained voices is impossible to avoid

i prepare with cotton in my ears
i prepare to run on through
i prepare my shields

and step follows step, once more unto the breach
i walk forward, their maces are held at the ready
but it is the words I hear, the words that bruise my heart
i gather my energy, my power, my beliefs
	i continue through this gauntlet
	i try to let the words bounce
    	i try to accept and dispute
	i try
	i try
		and i fail
panic at my fingertips 
my breath is faltering
i tremble

I stand in mountain pose, eyes closed
			       arms to my sides
			       tailbone and neck aligned
			       breathing in peace and calm
			       breathing out stress and pain

i pass through the gauntlet

i am alive

i am well.

			self-defense


i’ve always meant to learn karate or tae kwon do, 
		arm myself with self-defense

block with the arm, sweep with the leg

i’ve always meant to learn to fight back
			to not be weak
			    not be a victim

		to be strong

but i’ve met obstacles
	had voices, loud and clear
	shout at me that i am no good
	shout at me that i am weak
	remind me that i am vulnerable

and every hit to my ego
	every scare
		or dangerous situation
	reminds me that i never took the time
		that i never found the strength
		to take that class in martial arts
				     in self-defense
learned to block any blows that may come my way
	to block any words that strike like fists and knives
learned to take an attacker down with a sweep of the leg
	to sweep the footing out from self-doubt

i never learned to fight and win
	perhaps the time has come
	to block with the arm, sweep with the leg

		declare myself victorious
		         safe and sound