come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

                            suicide triptych
                                   1
                               absolution

forgive me
	please,   forgive me
		   for trying to die
		   for swallowing my fear in the shape of trazadone bottles

forgive me
	for trying to replace my blood
	with alcohol spirits
	trying to numb
	          to hide
	          to die

because it can be so fucking hard
		       to hate myself
		       to look at my scars
	criss 
			cross
		applesauce
				life lines
	each scar a release
	where tears could not reach

this is why i am so afraid to feel

because
	    because
       emotions 
 		led me here
	to a place of death
				and
				        blood
		     of scars that i can still touch

			(history of relief)

because
	in the dappled light of day
			         of life

	I          stand          alone
	
	ready
	to 
	fall

it is a fight that i always lose
it is a fight that i still rise for

forgive me.

	I.  Forgive. Me.

             I fight for life.



                            2
                          Andrew

tall, dark, and handsome he swam into the ocean
   belly full of medicine
		(powdered for maximum absorption)
	he swam out -- the horizon his last desire

arm over arm
	salt water spraying
	the pacific   r e a c h e d   out
	a      slap    in the face

his eyes open
      a dawning
	     that life is to be 
			        lived
			        (still)
he looks back
     hoping that the shore will not recede
     hoping that his strength
		       will remain unhampered 
		       by the medicine streaming through his veins



early morning
	fingers of sunlight touch the beach
	fishing pole in hand a stranger becomes a fisher of men
							         of man

	a life saved
	
	breath continues

the ocean cannot claim you


                               3
                            CalTrain

two girls stand on the verge of womanhood
		      the edge of the platform
		(too much make-up
		 too much skin
		 so much youth
			    potential
			they are beautiful)
they hang handmade signs with duct tape
	smiling faces of the dead
	     bright and shiny words
	     a heart near his name

this is where they died
	the friends of the living teens i see now
	these signs merely a memory
			        a ghost smile
		held so tenuously together with duct tape and tears

tomorrow there will be flowers
			  a stuffed giraffe
		two more girls cross legged while the trains whistle by
				two more oceans of saltwater innocence lost
		i add my tears to this altar
		in memory of children that i never knew

	forgive me.
		i tried.
	 	     i forgive you.