LJ Idol 10 Topic Week 1: I need the struggle to feel alive

[eeyore_grrl]

                 life used to be hard
	 	                 (for maria and tina)




life used to be hard


i mean, in a way that breathing was difficult
	   opening my eyes every morning spelled failure
               and placing footstep after footstep was momentous


i mean, in a way that every bridge with a low fence struck me as a blessing
            the trees beckoned to me while i drove
            and razorblades wrote their poetry on my skin


i used to know life only through pain and struggle
	i thought that they were one and the same
	i thought that life was only numbness and tears


life used to be hard
	i knew laughter and smiles
but there were so many more messages of fighting
i saw blood and weapons on the street
drugs and violence in the places we lived


i became the daughter that learned of books and silence
my brother learned about adrenaline and jumped off mountains
we grew from rocky ground evolving into different species


i thought that i needed the struggle to feel alive
	that it was the only way 
	that
	       there was only pain


but now i breathe deeply in california
	kiss my husband every day
	and i can feel my son’s heartbeat when i look at him


i wash the sleepies from my eyes every morning
	glad that i have woken yet again
	that i am alive to see a new day


most mornings i walk my son to school
	foot follows foot for a mile
	we talk about our lives and about what we are learning 


i relish the fact that life itself is no longer a struggle
i mean, i view bridges as paths 
      	 trees are now friends offering oxygen and beauty
	 and razorblades are nothing more than tools and memories


i want you to know that i am not alone
	that you are not alone in this world that feeds you struggle after struggle
	keep hanging on
	
i mean, i mean that i want you to live
	because you are worth the struggle
	and i’m not done learning from your songs