Survivor Challenge 3 -- Smash and Grab

[eeyore_grrl]

                  smash & grab

smash & grab
anything that you can see
listen to your heartbeat
is it there
do you live or do you flee

smash & grab
crazy pills 
here to solve all your ills
tested on puppy mills
is it me

smash & grab
to the start 
find your way
find your heart
find the exit key

my aim is smooth
my aim is true
but you have stolen
one last view
of me leaving you
you must believe to see

smash & grab
take my heart
run it through your fucking lab
let me start again
a future without you
	 without my soul
like october dropping leaves
	(alone)

i am nothing
	you are nothing
smash & grab
listen to my footsteps
heartless 
	fading
can’t you see?




Watch on YouTube


vote here: https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1076505.html

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

So full of feeling. The video version is great. Nice work.

[eeyore_grrl]

Thank you.

[bsgsix]

This is quite emotional, and between the "crazy pills" line and the "take my heart/run it through your fucking lab" line - I felt that in my soul.

This fits the prompt in a very unique way. Great writing! <3

[eeyore_grrl]

I had a *really* hard time coming up with a way to use it. I'm glad that some of my lines were sticky and deep. Thank you.

[murielle]

Brilliant as always!

I read your work, then watch your video. Often I get something different, and that's great! Like getting two for the price of one.

Brava! :-)

[eeyore_grrl]

Sometimes I wonder if the videos do anything for *this* contest, since it's a writing contest. I'm glad that people, like you, are liking the way it comes out. Thank you!

[bleodswean]

Very good use of the prompt. I know this relationship. And the video is just FANTABULOUS!

[eeyore_grrl]

THANK YOU! I was/am highly dubious of the merit of this poem. Thank you for the ego boost.

[gunwithoutmusic]

I loved the rhythm in this, and how the first few stanzas fit this quick sort of lock-step with the flow, and then right as you say "let me start again" that staccato sort of unravels. It feels like suddenly I'm going in a new direction and was very effective in making me feel it. Good work!

[eeyore_grrl]

Thank you!! The idea was the unraveling of a relationship. I've had the sort of all-encompassing "love" of teenaged crushes and early relationships, but this isn't about anyone real. I can mush all the hurt into one. Ahh, the power of poetry.

And the rhyming worked -- it is so rare for me to rhyme and I do it, typically, to show the boredom in my repetition or when I am pissed beyond all belief.

It's an odd combo. :-/

[halfshellvenus]

listen to my footsteps
heartless
fading
I liked this part very much, especially because footsteps can have a rhythm like a heartbeat, and so there's an implied dichotomy there that tickles me.

I'm hoping this one is about the same (or a similar) past relationship as before, where you left and it was the choice you needed to make to save your own heart and self-worth.

[eeyore_grrl]

Honestly, this one was fabricated out of whole cloth...:-) thankfully.

I'm glad you picked up the heartbeat in the footsteps.

[flipflop_diva]

Ughh, this one is like a gut punch. Every line just hits really hard, but especially the end!

[eeyore_grrl]

Thanks. I have said before that prose is the story of what happened and poetry is just pure emotion.

[uselesstinrelic]

I love that you also do recordings of them! I really enjoy hearing this in your own tone and with your own
pacing

:>

Actually, while I do struggle a bit with written poetry, performed poetry is one of my favorite things. It really takes me there and brings the emotions I don't always get while reading. I think the facial cues and lilts in the voice carry so much.

I've appreciated your pieces the last two weeks in particular. (or two entries, I mean.) There's a specificity that's clearly intimately your experience, yet the themes are broad enough that I can feel many stories within it.

Thanks for sharing your nice work!

[eeyore_grrl]

Thank you. I can understand that things are often better read aloud to people, that's exactly why I do the readings. Particularly with poetry -- a breath, a pause, a misplaced blink can change the meaning totally. I love the nuance of reading and writing.

[uselesstinrelic]

Yeah! Fantastic : >

[megatronix]

Ooh this is lovely. I especially enjoyed this:

let me start again
a future without you
without my soul
like october dropping leaves
(alone)


That just struck me as really poignant and beautifully worded.