dear universe,
i’d much prefer it if you could leave them alone
my father, my brother
tumor ridden
dying at a rate i disapprove of
of course it’s more complicated than just pure love
i don’t know if anyone in my family is pure
we are none of us innocents
but cancer doesn’t lay claim to our bodies based on good and evil
cancer doesn’t care if you took lives or saved them
doesn’t care if you minded your own business or buried yourself in the affairs of others
cancer doesn’t care
it just grows in malignancies
usurping our bodies
our minds
taking over
blackness creeping into our minds
while it ravages their bodies
and their cancer brings my guilt
should i love them more strongly?
see them more often?
forgive them more easily?
give up my strongly built walls?
the line of life and death drawn in tumors and pain
the line of sanity and losing everything i’ve become
how do i love you now?
we had reached a detente
occasional phone calls and speaking of our young children
we had reached a sense of calm
wherein i protected my heart, my mind
but my heart is not ice
is not stone
my mind holds on to you
and family is family
my brother and my father
the y chromosomes of my life before
floating on the whitewater of the rivers of blood in my veins
shared history and dna
i can’t just walk away
and i don’t know how to help
how to freeze time or cancer into nonexistence
don’t know how protect myself if i let you in
or if i keep you out
i worry about losing the tether to my little raft on this whitewater ride
i worry about losing you both
i worry