come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

dear universe,

i’d much prefer it if you could leave them alone
my father, my brother
tumor ridden
dying at a rate i disapprove of

of course it’s more complicated than just pure love
i don’t know if anyone in my family is pure
we are none of us innocents

but cancer doesn’t lay claim to our bodies based on good and evil

cancer doesn’t care if you took lives or saved them
doesn’t care if you minded your own business or buried yourself in the affairs of others

cancer doesn’t care
it just grows in malignancies 
usurping our bodies
	   our minds
	taking over
		blackness creeping into our minds
		while it ravages their bodies

and their cancer brings my guilt
	should i love them more strongly?
	see them more often?
	forgive them more easily?

	give up my strongly built walls?

the line of life and death drawn in tumors and pain
the line of sanity and losing everything i’ve become

how do i love you now?

we had reached a detente
occasional phone calls and speaking of our young children
we had reached a sense of calm
	wherein i protected my heart, my mind

but my heart is not ice
	         is not stone
     my mind holds on to you
and family is family
	my brother and my father
	the y chromosomes of my life before
	floating on the whitewater of the rivers of blood in my veins

shared history and dna

i can’t just walk away
and i don’t know how to help
	how to freeze time or cancer into nonexistence 
         don’t know how protect myself if i let you in
			or if i keep you out

i worry about losing the tether to my little raft on this whitewater ride
i worry about losing you both
i worry