Uncomfortably Numb

[eeyore_grrl]

Vote here: https://therealljidol.dreamwidth.org/1088813.html

                               uncomfortably numb



                                     complex
                                       post
                                    traumatic
                                      stress
                                     disorder

it’s a thing
	no longer just for veterans
it’s a thing for us all

i watched my mother almost die
	i’ve seen the aftermath of violence
more times than i can admit to, i watched people 
						aim for damage or death
				baseball bats and fists
					and a little girl's eyes from her bed
			and he’s free for good behavior
				he’s free from a murder charge
					and my fear awakened
					       my mind remembered

broken glass, mirrors, the rooms he walked through
					dangerous and broken

			and i turned off all emotion
	i went  
		uncomfortably numb
	

like halloween at a haunted house
	and i remained bland
		watching the haunted house
			from a million miles away
			from a million distances away from me

	monsters jumping into my face
		noisy
			growly
		jumpy
			scary
	
	but not for me.
		i walked around numb
		seeing all and unable to jump
				unable to cry out
				unable to be shocked

because my fear came back to life
			when that monster was released
		show me a red headed viking
			free from jail
			free from consequences
			
			free
		and i am afraid
			crying on the floor of my garage
			unable to get up
				i could drown in those tears
				i could drown in this fear

			i could die in this fear

see and hear me read it here:

Watch on YouTube

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Oh wow! So much feeling both in person and in writing! Hugs

[bleodswean]

It's a terrible thing to be traumatized and this trauma particularly, which begins in childhood, is a crime. Keep writing your heart's pain.

[murielle]

Heartbreaking! So sorry you went through that. No child, ever, anywhere, should ever have to go through that. ((Gentle hugs))

[alycewilson]

What a terrible thing to go through. I can hear the pain in these words.

[gunwithoutmusic]

Your reading of this, as always, adds so much dimension and I just love that you do this every week. Your style is really working overtime in this one in such a good way - the words are skittering and jumping all over the page, bringing to mind that feeling of panic and fear in such a palpable way. I'm reminded of a client of mine, who is an attorney, working with a woman whose husband was murdered right in front of her in an unprovoked attack at a bar. The case is still ongoing, and the prosecutor is seeking only probation for the man that took the life of another in front of his spouse - and what she must be feeling... You did a really good job this week.

[flipflop_diva]

Oh wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through something like this. But this is so well written. So much emotion comes through not just the words, but how it's written, and it's really just a like a punch to the gut.

[halfshellvenus]

Wow, this was so strong, and so full of brutal feeling.

The horror of living through this as a child, watching your mother try to survive this, and then the casual, terrible handwaving-ness of a system that lets him OUT all over again. As if this is about HIS feelings and HIS justice, instead of the people he is a danger to.

Really, really well done. ♥