come on down to the Mermaid Cafe

                       petrichor

it isn't the rain that brings you back
but the scent afterwards
the petrichor that makes me think of demons and saints
you
        closer to the former than the latter

it isn't that i wonder what i would say to you
i know what i would say

i've said it

when i tell people that my father is dead
they give me their condolences
i spit them back with kindness
"the world is likely better off" i say

to the look of eyes shining in shock

petrichor -- the scent of what was
you are that
a maniac in a kind man suit
you beat women
you had no faith in me
you believed in a christian God
         you said
but this was no God i was taught to believe in
because i watched the violence
prepubescent you taught me women deserved hatred
prepubescent you taught me i had no chance
         no hope
         no reason to be

kind, truly kind, fathers are my petrichor
a scent of what could have been
        of what was
                       of the world crack and alcohol 
                                                      so cleanly stole
                  			        or was it 
       		 deeper
        the clouds forming in the night of your brain
the pain inflicted 	because you were Not 	the Favorite

you are part of the thunderstorm that set the state of my brain on fire
always on edge
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
never believing

you are the roiling chaos of a hurricane
the seaswept shores hurting your children
				 your wives
				 ruining lives

what brought on these changing weather patterns
	from violence to petrichor and back again

was it the global warming of mental illness
         that you kept from me
i only have visions of stories
                       memories
                       theories
      				 i've put together
&  i wonder if it will ever fade
if the petrichor will ever just leave me alone
and let me rest in peace

         since you've been dead
         and i told you how you hurt us
         you heard my words on the bed you died in
while others danced in the rain
    they'll never understand
         that you
         still
         haunt me
		  my demon father
					from the grave 

& i wish you would keep 

----------------
written for the Home Game of LJIdol Wheel of Chaos Week 6. reimagine another person's previous entry. THANK YOU WOLFDEN for the inspiration! https://wolfden.dreamwidth.org/268711.html