LJIdol Wheel of Chaos Week 4 -- FIGURE OF SPEECH

[eeyore_grrl]

 
                  FIGURE OF SPEECH

it is a myth that the dead always leave a note
a lie that you tell yourself about the suicidal
one that we let you believe
             because we have to make you feel safer
                            (somehow)
 
the suicide note is a figure of speech
it is not always written in ink or callouses
my suicide notes were written on my body
each scar etched into my skin
        covering once internal blood
        was a love note to myself

perhaps i can sustain just a little bit longer

each tattoo a story of my journey
        what got me this far
                                (this far)
         that i could hold onto
        ( just a little bit longer)
i never penned this mythological note
         this goodbye detailing my whys

you
already
know
them

the suicide note on tv is just a figure of speech
a dream
a wish
an explanation for something you
         (hopefully)
         cannot understand

but to those of us who know
         who live it day to day
         our suicide notes don't have to be        ink
        they are flesh and bone
        they are blood and meat and neurons firing wrong
each day we live
      a testament to the note
         you expect we write in our heads 	in drafts and corrections
each day we wander this earth a note to the fuckers
         who never thought we would survive their words and their actions
         their impasse into our psyche
today i LIVE
        a fuck you to those who brought me to pieces
        a fuck you to those who told me to die
        a fuck you to the asshole in my head

today i live because i promised my mother i would not try again 
		the day we watched cancer take my brother and she broke a little inside
today i live because my son walks these halls
       his bedroom floor creaking, a safe life
		and i cannot  be the one to ruin that
		        i cannot break the sweetness that is his soul
today i live in spite of the fact
         that i will never write a note
         it's already been written

and i  don't  intend to die

Watch on YouTube

Comments

[serpentinejacaranda]

An powerful testament - a middle finger to the void. and I'm not being glib when I say our reading had just the right staccato emphasis on "fuck"!

[eeyore_grrl]

thank you. fuck is always interesting to put into poetry and recite... because of what you allude to. too much? not enough? too trite? too..? but seriously fuck all that shit!

[adoptedwriter]

This is powerful and beautiful.

[eeyore_grrl]

Thank you. I do think it's one of my stronger pieces.

[fausts_dream]

My brother took his life, he did leave a note and the man things she emphasized were that anything he owned was to go to his mother, and that he was hoping he angled his gun in such a way that the bullet that ended him couldn't harm anyone else.

Our whole family suffers from depression... But yes continuing to live even if it's just out of spite until you find a way through is valid and powerful like this poem.

[eeyore_grrl]

(hugs) if you want them. depression is a powerful foe. suicidal depression even more so.

i have tried. time and time and time again and, can say now, THANKFULLY i failed. I'm sorry for your loss. i continue on. and will. but that took a lot of therapy and meds and life to get me here. i HOPE someone listens all the way through and it helps them, too...

[tonithegreat]

You took this prompt to a super powerful place. I’m not always the best commenter, but I really enjoy reading you here and I’m so glad you’re still here.

[eeyore_grrl]

thank you so much. i'm glad, too. and for awhile i was not glad about it. it just was... and now there are things to LIVE for.

[muchtooarrogant]

This was marvelous! You took the prompt and made it into something completely your own.

I liked:
an explanation for something you
(hopefully)
cannot understand

And now, a funny story related to this. Earlier this week, as I was scrolling through my phone's notifications, I saw an entry from YouTube. "Who's that?" I thought to myself, "That's not a name I remember following ..." After hearing the first few words, "Oh, it's eeyore_grrl's entry!" (grin)

Really great entry!

Dan

[eeyore_grrl]

yeah, i didn't sit down INTENDING it to be a suicide note poem.... but here we are.

and aww glad you like my readings. some days i feel like they are not helpful to people. some days, overkill, some days, cheating... but it is how i blog here; what i do.

it was a tough write and read. thank you for your encouragement.

[roina_arwen]

Amazing. Thank you for sharing these words.

[eeyore_grrl]

you are welcome. i believe poetry, done well, can be a pulpit.

[halfshellvenus]

A very strong piece. We don't often hear the voices of those who have been there, and who continue the struggle to keep going forward.

I'm glad you're thinking of your son, and what leaving would do to him. And to the people who tried to bring you down, let them choke on your survival!

[eeyore_grrl]

thank you! some days it's harder than others. though, generally, i'm pretty decent these days. thank goddess.

[alycewilson]

Wow! It's always worth it to watch you deliver these words. I don't know if you ever do poetry slams, but you would rock them!

[eeyore_grrl]

aww, thank you. i am not a good candidate for slams since i can't commit anything to memory very well -- i need to read it off the paper. i have done a couple readings in my younger days and would love to again. THIS was a hard one to write and read.

[legalpad819]

This was a brutal punch in the gut, but I'm glad you ended it hopefully.
You are such a strong person.

[eeyore_grrl]

Thank you. It took some brain chemicals in pill form and a LOT of therapy.