Am I Crazy? (LJ Idol: Exhibit A)
Jan. 22nd, 2013 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eeyore_grrlAm I crazy? Is that for me to judge? I am searching and creating a new sanity as I type. As I was yesterday and as I am as you read these words. The current one, the one doled out to me thus far isn’t working for me. Isn’t cutting it. Isn’t right.
So I search. And I search. I’ve looked in nooks and crannies. I’ve rummaged in sex and razor blades. I’ve gone on wild goose hunts through drowning in alcohol. Battled demons I still don’t even know how to name, or don’t want to give the power of retelling anymore.
I’ve mostly realized that I’m not crazy. I get depressed. I’m not perfect, but I’m not hopeless, just a little lost.
So here I go, continuing forth on this journey towards a new sanity. Leaving any thoughts of crazy behind. Taking control of who I am and the labels I use. Searching and finding. I am healing from the crazy, the wreck I was. I am moving forward and leaving that behind. So, am I crazy. Nope. I am gaining a new sanity, leaving the wreck behind.
---------------------------------
the wreck and the story of the wreck
the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth
-- Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck
i am the evidence of damage
the wreck and the story of the wreck
it is etched into my arms with razor blades
onto my face with age
i am the wreck and the story of the wreck
but i am also the deep sea diver that found the gold
i am refusing to be
because i refuse to go unfound
i refuse to die unseen and enigmatic
i will tell the story of the wreck
but i will not continue to live it
~~cdr 2012
And on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HiWk8PByBg&feature=share
(This is Week 1 for LJ Idol: Exhibit A -- http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/611538.html)
So I search. And I search. I’ve looked in nooks and crannies. I’ve rummaged in sex and razor blades. I’ve gone on wild goose hunts through drowning in alcohol. Battled demons I still don’t even know how to name, or don’t want to give the power of retelling anymore.
I’ve mostly realized that I’m not crazy. I get depressed. I’m not perfect, but I’m not hopeless, just a little lost.
So here I go, continuing forth on this journey towards a new sanity. Leaving any thoughts of crazy behind. Taking control of who I am and the labels I use. Searching and finding. I am healing from the crazy, the wreck I was. I am moving forward and leaving that behind. So, am I crazy. Nope. I am gaining a new sanity, leaving the wreck behind.
---------------------------------
the wreck and the story of the wreck
the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth
-- Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck
i am the evidence of damage
the wreck and the story of the wreck
it is etched into my arms with razor blades
onto my face with age
i am the wreck and the story of the wreck
but i am also the deep sea diver that found the gold
that found the antiquities and brought them to light
i am refusing to be
lost at sea
discounting ties to Amelia Earheartbecause i refuse to go unfound
i refuse to die unseen and enigmatic
i will tell the story of the wreck
but i will not continue to live it
~~cdr 2012
And on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HiWk8PByBg&feature=share
(This is Week 1 for LJ Idol: Exhibit A -- http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/611538.html)
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no subject
Date: 2013-01-25 07:44 pm (UTC)Leaving behind labels and finding new ways to define ourselves is a beautiful and awesome part of being human. Best of luck in your journey! :)