Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 3 - Second Chance Week 2- Topic: MISTAKES

[eeyore_grrl]

There are a million different types of mistakes to be made. Mistakes of a dire nature, crimes of passion or planned thought, unprotected sex, words spoken that should have been kept in, or trying to be popular because someone said you should. Don’t forget maxing out the credit card as soon as you get it, or taking out a payday loan that you know is bad business, but it seemed better than defaulting on your car loan, that ended up repossessed anyway. Opening that second bottle of wine when, really, one is more than enough.

Don’t forget mistakes in love...but are they mistakes? Are loves loved and lost mistakes, road bumps, or just what it takes to make the real one, the right one, take?

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Tanya was the air I breathed, the blood in my veins, the … well you get the idea, she was all the clichés. From our first tipsy admission of attraction and sneaking that first kiss in a dingy college bar bathroom to morning’s afterglow.

We did it all the right way. Falling like a love poem into the ocean, or some other overdone mixed-metaphor that doesn’t quite work. We did it all wrong. Over time we loved. We lusted. We cheated. We cried. We talked. We did it all. Not necessarily in that order, and in only the way people finding newness at twenty-one can manage. All those hormones and freedom. Graduation right around the corner. The big scary adult world ahead of us. It was a love unique in my life, a love unique in the world, it was a love doomed and poorly timed.

In the end she was all wrong for me in the most vital of ways, she was still so very closeted, refusing to hold hands in Greenwich Village, blocks from Stonewall, in 1996. A time and place where our safety was fairly certain. Nevermind telling her family. She was the golden girl and refused to break their stereotypes of her.

She called me when I moved across the state; We tried to make it last, make it a future. She called with a man in her bed, lonely and missing me. She called me out on things I said and words I didn’t. She wanted forever but refused to admit to me now. She threw my weaknesses back at me one night as dark gave in to the never ending battle with daylight. She hurt me with my own words. She’s a therapist, she knew what she was doing. She knew the power of manipulation. She knew the power of words over sticks and stones.

I moved without a forwarding address.

How much do I miss Tanya? A fair bit, to be honest. She was smart as a whip, fun, and I did love her. We were all wrong for each other, or maybe it was just the wrong time? Maybe she wasn’t a mistake after all, who can tell at the time? And hindsight is sometimes blurry, but I wish her well. I wish her health. I wish her honesty. I wish her love.





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Read more: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/658326.html?view=67376790#t67376790 I'll post a link to the vote page when it happens.


Voting here: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/659933.html

Comments

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

I think you can look at situations like this as either a mistake or, as you say, just what it takes to get to the right one.

It really depends on how you look at it. I can see it both ways.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

I'm choosing to see it more as a learning experience these days.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

As long as we can still learn from what we might call a mistake, it doesn't. have to be a negative in our lives. That's a good thing and how we grow and change.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

One thing I learned is that level of intensity plus that level of living in the closet does. not. work.

[mothermelete.livejournal.com]

Ahh, I do love when people write about their doomed loves, though the details always differ, the what-ifs and bittersweet fondness I can relate to well.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

There is clearly bittersweet feelings here. I'm in such a good, healthy relationship now and I really do hope she is.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I am so glad we continue to move towards more openness these days. Glad you're in a better place now!

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Glad I'm not 21 anymore... :D

And really the relationship I'm in now... was so worth waiting for. :D :D

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Sadly, she just wasn't ready for the sort of honesty you needed. I feel for you, though. It must have been hard.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

She disappeared for awhile. People kept asking me where she was years later. I had no idea. Finally I did get a rumor that she had come out. I hope it's true. I really did, and do, care about her, and hope she has found happiness and comfort with herself.

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I hope so, too. But I truly sympathize with you, because it's difficult to keep someone else's secret, especially when it prevents you from talking about your own life.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY!

[shanns-ljidol.livejournal.com]

Not a mistake, just a lesson learned and a fond memory as well even after everything else.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

"fond" sometimes. sometimes not. it did hurt to live through.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I definitely have a Tanya or two in my past. It's crushing to love someone you know is no good for you, especially if you're not sure if it's a timing issue or not.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

We were young. The world was so... new. Looking back I do miss her, as I said, but really I can't imagine a healthier relationship than the one I am in now. It's great for writing to have some angst, but nice to have stability. :D

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I can't tell if this is fiction or non-fiction, but I think the point is the same.

I like how much you've pointed out that mistakes may be learning, or paths of exploration, but not necessarily long-- even if they don't work out ideally. Really, most of life does not!

I do think that leaving Tanya behind was a good choice, though. When people use their intimacy with you to hurt you, and do it deliberately, it's time to move on.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Not fiction. Not even creative non-fiction, straight up young'un angst.