Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 6 - Out of the Blue

[eeyore_grrl]

When I started dating my husband, well, first he was some guy I met at Burning Man, he didn’t know much about depression. I had to explain it and wasn’t really sure how. So I came up with this metaphor of living in a building. Most people live content, basically happy lives on the 8th floor. The best I could afford was the 6th and I spent a lot of time on the 1st or 2nd.

And sometimes when I would crash into a cycle of depression it is like going down the stairs a few, or many, floors. Sometimes it is a slow spiral staircase down. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I take the express elevator down, and sometimes, when life really takes a bite and my depression would become super severe, I swan dive out the window hitting the pavement in what is just a wreck of my person. (This is a metaphor, this is only a metaphor, I have never physically jumped out of a window that was higher than one on the ground floor.)

From then on we gauge my moods by what floor I am on and/or if I’m on the staircase or elevator going up or down. It’s a convenient metaphor for us.

I got to the 18th floor once. Our first Christmas and New Year’s he took me to Hawaii (I’m not a fan of Christmas) and we went snorkelling. OH MY GOD THE FISHIES! THE PRETTY PRETTY FISHIES! I was so happy there, just floating along with all the fishies.

Anyway, with the help of modern pharmacology and a psychiatrist and group therapy I’d been starting to hold my own. Live on floor 8, sometimes 10, on a regular basis.

And then I took a swan dive down. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, I crashed. For what it’s worth, I’m currently around floor 5-6, somewhere wandering up and down the stairs. And today I made it to floor 8 for a while. I’m not on the express elevator up, but I’m on my way up. That’s a good thing.

“i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned”

— Ani Difranco, Swandive

The bird lies, it’s not fun to fall with no safety in place.

---

of depression

It came out of the blue
the crash and burn
the tears and fears
the self-loathing

sometimes it ramps up   s l o w l y
i can feel it worming its way into my serotonin

but this time i was well
i was healthy
i believed in myself
and my love and my mothering

and then out of the blue 
i dropped 8 stories on the express elevator
i jumped headlong into the ocean 
and forgot to check for sharks

just like that my smile turned saccharine
and my words “fine, i’m ok” became lies
my self-opinion did a 180 and i don’t care for myself
my son is awesome
my husband is awesome
	but i stand alone in a whirlwind of depression and doubt

i dropped
8 stories in the building of my mood
one stair at a time I’m trying to climb back up
one
  stair
    at
      a
        time
          i
            climb
	      until
                i
                  reach
                    okay
                      again

---

This has been an entry for Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 6 Topic Out of the Blue. For more creative and interesting entries on this and three other topics go to http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/666309.html.

Voting goes up Monday night and I will add a link then. and a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOPqeQRNeZM

Comments

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful metaphor you created so that you can communicate how you are feeling and your people understand.
I love the content and structure of the poem. I'm so glad you included it. Well done!

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

I wrote the poem for this entry first. Then decided I needed to overhaul it to explain the metaphor better or... just explain the metaphor. I tried adding more of the explanation to the poem, but it got... unwieldy.

Thank you.

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

I loved it- however you put it together. I am sad that I don't get to vote this round. You would have gotten my vote!

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

I'll take a vote in my heart. :D

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

I love how this entry is presented and the metaphor was really good.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

thank you. :D it's a really hard thing to explain to people with limited understanding of depression.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

That seems like a pretty good way to describe depression. I like the visual at the end of the poem.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

thanks. feel free to use it. might not work for everyone, but people "get" buildings...

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

thanks

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

Not only was the metaphor clear, but you also described the "pace" of a depressive episode really well. I don't think it's obvious to most people who haven't experienced severe depression that sometimes it is a slow descension, and in others it's rapid or even a plummet. That really helps other people, including your husband, understand what you're dealing with and that yes, sometimes it's just reallly unexpected.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

It's the unexpected ones that suck the most. so hard to deal with. so hard to know.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

I really like the way you ended with the stairs in the poem.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The visual seemed important.

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

I really identified with this this week but refrained from commenting until I was in a better place.

The metaphor is probably one of the best ways I've seen depression explained.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

(hugs) to you. I came up with it on a whim, but we've kept with it. It works.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

I love the metaphor you use here, and the poem is well written and visually lovely.

Hawaii is a pretty darn awesome place, isn't it?

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Oh My God! It was fantastic. The volcano. The fish. The awesome!!!

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

I love this metaphor and the fact that you actually use it to communicate your mood.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

A lot of people/places/therapuetic settings will use a 1-10 mood scale. I think the floors allow for more sway, like real life. There are times I would have been a ten, it WAS the happiest I had ever been, but then I did something, like snorkelling, and well you only gave me up to ten so I guess I'm still a ten... but so much more. So I've gotten to floor 18, but I think I could go higher. :D

[alycewilson.livejournal.com]

Here's hoping! I think the thing I liked best about it was that there was a visual component to it, rather than the aspect nature of a scale from 1-10. Everyone knows how it feels to be in a basement, as opposed to be at the top of a tower, enjoying the sun and getting a beautiful view, as well.

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

hey there neighbor! Floor six is pretty comfortable in my opinion.

I'm totally stealing this metaphor for my mix of anxiety and depression (instead of going up and down floors, I've been slowly locking all the doors on my floor while simultaneously pounding on them to get the hell out)

blah blah blah, lovely entry

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Nice metaphor - as useful as the spoons! What I found really intriguing is how the hopefulness in the last words is still visually heading downstairs. The line I found most telling was "i don't care for myself" and the double meaning there is nice.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

That's a very clear metaphor, and the visual effect complimented it well! Glad you are on your way up again :)

[dreamsreflected.livejournal.com]

depression is so hard, and harder still to explain. *hugs* if you want them.