Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 6 - Out of the Blue

When I started dating my husband, well, first he was some guy I met at Burning Man, he didn’t know much about depression. I had to explain it and wasn’t really sure how. So I came up with this metaphor of living in a building. Most people live content, basically happy lives on the 8th floor. The best I could afford was the 6th and I spent a lot of time on the 1st or 2nd.

And sometimes when I would crash into a cycle of depression it is like going down the stairs a few, or many, floors. Sometimes it is a slow spiral staircase down. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I take the express elevator down, and sometimes, when life really takes a bite and my depression would become super severe, I swan dive out the window hitting the pavement in what is just a wreck of my person. (This is a metaphor, this is only a metaphor, I have never physically jumped out of a window that was higher than one on the ground floor.)

From then on we gauge my moods by what floor I am on and/or if I’m on the staircase or elevator going up or down. It’s a convenient metaphor for us.

I got to the 18th floor once. Our first Christmas and New Year’s he took me to Hawaii (I’m not a fan of Christmas) and we went snorkelling. OH MY GOD THE FISHIES! THE PRETTY PRETTY FISHIES! I was so happy there, just floating along with all the fishies.

Anyway, with the help of modern pharmacology and a psychiatrist and group therapy I’d been starting to hold my own. Live on floor 8, sometimes 10, on a regular basis.

And then I took a swan dive down. Out of the blue, out of nowhere, I crashed. For what it’s worth, I’m currently around floor 5-6, somewhere wandering up and down the stairs. And today I made it to floor 8 for a while. I’m not on the express elevator up, but I’m on my way up. That’s a good thing.

“i'm going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned”

— Ani Difranco, Swandive

The bird lies, it’s not fun to fall with no safety in place.

---

of depression

It came out of the blue
the crash and burn
the tears and fears
the self-loathing

sometimes it ramps up   s l o w l y
i can feel it worming its way into my serotonin

but this time i was well
i was healthy
i believed in myself
and my love and my mothering

and then out of the blue 
i dropped 8 stories on the express elevator
i jumped headlong into the ocean 
and forgot to check for sharks

just like that my smile turned saccharine
and my words “fine, i’m ok” became lies
my self-opinion did a 180 and i don’t care for myself
my son is awesome
my husband is awesome
	but i stand alone in a whirlwind of depression and doubt

i dropped
8 stories in the building of my mood
one stair at a time I’m trying to climb back up
one
  stair
    at
      a
        time
          i
            climb
	      until
                i
                  reach
                    okay
                      again

---

This has been an entry for Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 6 Topic Out of the Blue. For more creative and interesting entries on this and three other topics go to http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/666309.html.

Voting goes up Monday night and I will add a link then. and a video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOPqeQRNeZM