Live Journal Idol Exhibit B Week 4 - Topic: Shadow Children

[eeyore_grrl]

Voting for this week at http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/662330.html

			shadow children

they haunt me at night
the ones i never birthed
the ones i lost
the three pregnancies gone awry

i love my son more than poetry can explain --
but still, i’m haunted by my shadow children
	the ones started
                                         but never born
 	the ones 
		   non-existent 

sometimes, in the middle of the night, when sleep is foreign
i hear footsteps, i name names
i wonder
	   what my shadow children would sound like, be like
			who they would become

then the rest of the world awakens
	my son requests breakfast and gives me hugs and kisses
		and i live           now

in the daylight i put my shadow children to sleep
	hoping they stay there

     i’ve shed too many tears

-------

I feel like I’m telling the same story, time and time again. And, truth be told, I am. After my last miscarriage I had a tubal ligation. My pregnancies were rough on me, losing weight, vomiting, lethargy, hip pain, I had it all. My miscarriages took an even more emotional toll.

I don’t want to be a one story girl, I don’t want to be, “oh eeyore_grrl, the one with the miscarriages.”

One thing I learned in my four attempts at actual pregnancy is that 1 in 10 pregnancies are lost in miscarriage. 10%. That is a larger number than I knew. Partly because we don’t talk about it. We aren’t allowed to grieve publicaly.

We are “told” that you don’t tell people you are pregnant until you are past the danger line of the first trimester, the time that most of these miscarriages occur. I played by that rule for my first pregnancy and when I miscarried I had limited support because so few people had known about it in the first place. My 2nd pregnancy resulted in my beautiful and brilliant (of course he is, and of course I may be biased) son.

The third and fourth pregnancies (dear god, I’ve been pregnant four times) were harder. I knew what I was losing. I knew that my chances were getting slimmer and slimmer of having that two child family we planned on. The last one had a heartbeat. Before it no longer did.

And with that we chose, I chose, to close the option of a 2nd child with finality, a tubal ligation.  I’ve heard others say they didn’t heal from miscarriage until they managed to carry to term. It took my son to emotionally heal from my first miscarriage and I won’t ever have that chance from the last two. It’s not just me.

It’s not just me. Therefore I tell this story, time and time again. It’s not just you out there alone in your grief. There is an all too silent choir of grief in this world and I’m raising my voice. This is how I grieve.

---
video at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rSx9veY2qM&feature=youtu.be

--

This has been an entry for Live Journal Idol: Exhibit B Week 4. Read more entries at http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/661052.html.  I will update with voting link when it arrives.

Comments

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

I wasn't aware that nearly 10% of pregnancies ended in miscarriage. I'm surprised by the number and wished it were talked about more. :/

Such an emotional piece overall. *hugs*

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Most of those miscarriages are soon after implantation... but still. if you are trying you know... and still it's a high number.

[chimerically.livejournal.com]

Some estimate it's even higher, but some women don't realize they were ever pregnant. But in any case, I can well imagine that such an experience, when known, can be incredibly emotionally wrenching. Many hugs.

[cassidyrose.livejournal.com]

This one is very powerful, thank you for sharing.

I think it is OK to retell the story. (not that you need my permission, of course). It is *your* story. And, even if it is old to you, it may be knew to someone else, and sometimes I think we have to retell certain stories to make peace with them, or at least find a way past them. Sometimes when they only live in our heads it is worse. I understand the feeling, however, of not wanting to be defined by the one story...having one of my stories published in a book with heavy PR means I have read it publicly numerous times (and have been booked to do more)....it is an old story to me now, but I try to remember that every time I tell it I am telling it to new people. But, yes, I hear you in this.

I think we all have big, defining points of pain in our lives that shape much of who we are and how we move forward. You have gone through so much with all this. I am so sorry for all the pain and loss.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

"and how we move forward."

Yup that's it.
I really don't just sit around moping (anymore), but there are moments...

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

Lovely poetry to tell your tale.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

[thatssocory.livejournal.com]

Perfect piece. I only wish it didn't have to exist. I cannot fathom the pain behind losing children. The poem is beautiful, but like I just said, I wish it could be beautiful in a different light.

On a happier note, it's great to see you back in the main competition. I'll be rooting for you.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

thank you. and thank you again for being willing to do that first week with me when i was crazy hectic.

[zeldajean.livejournal.com]

You've written about this subject before, but this time, this piece, really really resonated with me. I had a whole lot more here, but I don't want to thread-jack. It should be it's own post. Yeah, this is a strong piece.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

(hugs)

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Hugs. I've had this experience. I miss the one I didn't have, but at least he paved the way for my other kids. He still had a purpose. Hugs. AW

[ianhickson.livejournal.com]

According to BabyCenter.com it's even more:

Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. (In medical articles, you may see the term "spontaneous abortion" used in place of miscarriage.) About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks.

This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before a pregnancy becomes established. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before or during the process of implantation – often so early that a woman goes on to get her period at about the expected time.

[chimerically.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this was more or less what I was (vaguely) remembering.

[ptor.livejournal.com]

respectfully listening to your grief.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

[metaphortunate.livejournal.com]

It's not your only story. I knew you for years before any of this. You have always been so interesting, and funny, you have always had so many stories to tell. This will always be part of your story, but there is so much more to you.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

As I just commented elsewhere, I haven't publicly posted as much as felt I did.

The jobs I have had do make me full of stories. :D

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

I became a fan of yours during Exhibit A and I think this is the first post of yours that I've read dealing with this topic. Sorry doesn't seem adequate.

My experience was different in that I was never able to get pregnant even though I wanted to so badly. It's still hard to talk about. I was lucky though, and was able to adopt and have three additional step-children, who have filled my life.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

huh, you're right. I only mentioned it blatantly in one poem about the american dream last season.

I'm glad you were able to have children in other ways. I am so glad for the son I do have. He's awesome (except when he's being bratty...).

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

in the daylight i put my shadow children to sleep
hoping they stay there
That was the line that really resonated with me. This prompt was perfect for telling this story, and that line captures the pain of children you weren't quite allowed to have but whose possibility haunts you.

I'm so sorry you went through all of this, and that it lies in wait for the quiet moments when your guard is down.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

This is exactly what I felt when I saw that prompt. I tried to write another poem/entry for Wishes Were Horses, I had an idea.... but it fell.

Obviously, I wish I didn't go through it, but if my talking about it helps someone else understand or feel not alone.. at least there is some good in it.

[kf4vkp.livejournal.com]

Hugs

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear you've gone through this, and I'm glad you're able to write about it.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[sweeny-todd.livejournal.com]

this is so sad.. and you share it so beautifully. thankyou

[michikatinski.livejournal.com]

Thank you for writing this, for sharing your grief rather than keeping it hidden. This is a story that many women share, and it's a story that needs to be heard. <3

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're very brave in sharing. It's not your only story, but it's one that can be extremely comforting to others.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

You've got more stories in you, but this clearly needs to come out or it would come out so often. You talk about it with grace. Take as long as you need. <3

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry you had to go through this, and so glad you're talking about it. It's important.

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

I think that your story is your story. I often worry that I tell the same tale over and over about my experiences, but every time you tell it, I think, it helps heal a little bit, and I think you are right: we don't get to talk about these things, and we should

[sleepygrl79.livejournal.com]

*hugs*