eeyore_grrl | LJ Idol Mini Season Week 7: "All lies and jest still, a man hears what he wants to hear..."

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"All lies and jest still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."  simon and garfunkel


			hear me.

listen, let my knees sing to you the songs of their people
 	crackling like fire
		      like gears with no lubrication
			moving ever forward
				    ever aging against themselves

	my toe heals from being cut open
	bunion surgery at 40
		I age with a false smile
		I age with an awkward pain scale
the doctor says I’m fine
	just a little physical therapy 
	lose some weight
		lighten the load i carry
		lighten the load that is me

he sees me as

	BMI
    a magic diagnoses

	obese
		size 18

my complaints no longer matter
i am diagnosed         f a t.
	fibromyalgia is real
		but the pain isn’t

i am told no opiates
	      no muscle relaxers 
	      nothing to calm my nerves
	       or sing me to sleep
i am told that even ibuprofen should be more limited

chronic pain is long term 
	learn to wait it out
	learn to b r e a t h e past it

i learn that my grimaces
		 my yelps
		 my eleven thousand steps a day
		 my massages and my psychiatrist
		 my 7 on the pain scale fall on deaf ears

	diagnosis complete my thoughts are released to the still air

he hears what he sees
	he thinks he understands

my doctor thinks I am fat
my laughs fall like tears
my pain is more than bmi
my pain deserves to be heard

	I  deserve to be  heard

And you can, of course, watch and hear me read if you prefer:

go here to read more entries: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/887291.html?view=80432123#t80432123

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Damn.

I think this is one of the strongest pieces of yours that I have ever read.

Thank you.

All the feels. All of them.

<3

I feel like I should put in a note stating that this is not 1:1 full of veracity. My current doctor is female. She's mediocre. Her predecessor was male and then my problem wasn't fat it was just, simply, being a female who gave birth. It couldn't be anything else that made my hip scream and numb and... yeah...

I can relate to this so much, and I'm really sorry you deal with it too. I've got a bunch of different health/joint problems, but one in particular has been long term knee pain, and I had major surgery on one knee last spring. (It was my 5th knee surgery, but the others didn't help.) Lo and behold, my knees were totally misaligned and wearing out completely unevenly and no amount of weight loss could have changed the mechanics of that!

I've found a bunch of supplements helpful in the last couple of years, but I know folks like us get unsolicited advice all the time -- if you want a list of some of the ones that have helped me, I'm happy to share.

Thank you for your offer. I have tried various supplements and the sort. Right now I'm attacking singular issues. First the bunion. Next I plan on dealing with the knees. Take care of the things I can and hopefully the rest won't suck.

:(

Beautiful piece. It hits hard and is so real.

On the practical side, this shit is so hard and I am so, so sorry you are dealing with it now too. It is just, fucked. If you want pointers to fat-positive/weight-neutral chronic pain resources/support, let me know because I can hook you up.

Thanks. At the moment I have an utterly awesome podiatrist at PAMF who has done some research and given me the name of a GP and 2 orthopedists. The podiatrist never once blamed weight for the toe and foot issues. And complimented the work I do do for myself and my health. I like him.

*Hugs* This was wonderfully told. Me being perpetually borderline obese and fighting my urges to eat delicious food, this really hit home.
Great use of the prompt!

Thanks. Finding what to do with the prompt was difficult. Glad I did find something.

It's been "interesting" moving from borderline obese to obese (according to BMI bullshit) and seeing how that is treated in the medical world.

This sums up so much of what is wrong with how our health care system treats larger people. Well-said.

Not at all the same issue, but it also put me in mind of when I trained circus, and we always knew to lie about the level on the pain scale because "tough it out in the gym" led to not creating urgency for treatment!

Which direction did you lie in about the pain scale? I always feel as if people don't believe my "7" is really a 7 because I can work through it. Well, if it's constant I don't have a choice, right? grr.

The joke is

1 - I stubbed my toe on the mat
2 - That was briefly uncomfortable
3 - Huh. That's a new feeling
4 - I'll need to do that again before it goes into the routine
5 - All the good tricks hurt
6 - I'll go get a drink of water
7 - Just let me lie here on the mat for a minute
8 - Anyone got tape?
9 - I probably shouldn't train any more today. Or at least take a break
10 - well is the bone actually sticking out? Will the costume hide it?

But we did find that when my friend broke both heels and was describing the pain as a 6, she really needed to be saying 10 to get the attention she needed. They didn't believe her and made her stand up for the x-ray!

Very powerful! Too many people aren't taken seriously when they also overweight. Not only myself, but many friends and family have also been through that. It is really not right. I think a lot of people can really identify with this. Well written, for sure!!

Oh, so much... I've basically stopped going to doctors because I'm so tired of hearing things like "if you've got fibromyalgia, you just need an antidepressant" (but what about that antidepressant that made me suicidal?), or "lose weight and you'll feel better" (obviously? I guess? Except the sciatica hurts so bad I can barely move?). Very powerful, and very well written.

Oh I love the format

Just the way it is physically on the page or something else?

Health care for women in this country is nearly at a third world level, and the classist, sexist, ableist, fatshaming nature of modern medicine is a disgrace that should put anyone in the field to shame. If only your truly spoken words could positively impact the system, and bring about the changes that must come.

I feel you on this one! This is why marijuana needs to be made legal. Patting people with chronic pain, on the head and telling you to breathe through it? Tell him to put a tight rubber band around his balls and breathe through that... (if it's a woman- I got nothing! But give me a few days)

Peace and prayers for pain free days, ~~~D

fibromyalgia is real
but the pain isn’t
Oh, gosh. This is one of the worst conditions to cope with, both because of chronic or at continual pain and so many people who think you can "magic" that away with the right thoughts.

With the variety of people I've know with it, including those who were fit and otherwise in good health, it's clear that it is something more.

It is all too easy to dismiss pain you don't understand and that you don't personally feel, but that makes it hell for the patient.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Its just too commercial .. the healthcare business. Medicines seem to propogate illness and every yardstick or measure of illness seems to getting closer to normals this year than it was last year. A boost to pharma companies ???? I wish it wasn't true ...

Such a sadly familiar complaint. I wish I hadn't heard the same story from so many others.

LJ Idol Mini Season Week 7: "All lies and jest still, a man hears what he wants to hear..."

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