Am I Crazy? (LJ Idol: Exhibit A)

[eeyore_grrl]

Am I crazy? Is that for me to judge? I am searching and creating a new sanity as I type. As I was yesterday and as I am as you read these words. The current one, the one doled out to me thus far isn’t working for me. Isn’t cutting it. Isn’t right.

So I search. And I search. I’ve looked in nooks and crannies. I’ve rummaged in sex and razor blades. I’ve gone on wild goose hunts through drowning in alcohol. Battled demons I still don’t even know how to name, or don’t want to give the power of retelling anymore.

I’ve mostly realized that I’m not crazy. I get depressed. I’m not perfect, but I’m not hopeless, just a little lost.

So here I go, continuing forth on this journey towards a new sanity. Leaving any thoughts of crazy behind. Taking control of who I am and the labels I use. Searching and finding. I am healing from the crazy, the wreck I was. I am moving forward and leaving that behind.  So, am I crazy. Nope. I am gaining a new sanity, leaving the wreck behind.

---------------------------------


the wreck and the story of the wreck

the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth

-- Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck


i am the evidence of damage
the wreck and the story of the wreck
it is etched into my arms with razor blades
onto my face with age

i am the wreck and the story of the wreck

but i am also the deep sea diver that found the gold

that found the antiquities and brought them to light

i am refusing to be

lost at sea

discounting ties to Amelia Earheart
because i refuse to go unfound
i refuse to die unseen and enigmatic
i will tell the story of the wreck
but i will not continue to live it

~~cdr 2012


And on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HiWk8PByBg&feature=share


(This is Week 1 for LJ Idol: Exhibit A -- http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/611538.html)

Comments

[chinders.livejournal.com]

Very lovely. Thank you so much for sharing that.

[occasionally.livejournal.com]

Creating a new sanity is long, hard work. But it's not unattainable. Good luck.

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

So I've noticed. Thanks for the positive information here. :D

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

Beautiful, I love the symbolism of "the wreck".

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you, the original is a great poem.

[ocean-song.livejournal.com]

I love this poem. So evocative and it so speaks to me in my own journey. *hugs*

[kittenboo.livejournal.com]

Good luck in your journey.

[ohelectricshock.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this, best of luck <3

[myrna-bird.livejournal.com]

A good bit of hope for the future here.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

The places you've already been, and knowing that those aren't the answer, are things a lot of people can relate to.

Purposefully finding your new sanity is a wonderful, directed goal. Doing it right, for you, is the best reason of all. :)

[baxaphobia.livejournal.com]

very nicely done. If this is you good luck on finding your path!

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I like that poem, did you write it? I see you attributed it to CDR but I have no idea who or what that is. d:

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

yes I wrote it and thanks.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

I really like it. It makes one think. I like how it separates the wreck from the story of the wreck into two distinct things. Is the quote from Adrienne Rich the first verse or just a quote that happened to come right before it (and presumably inspire it) ?

[eeyore-grrl.livejournal.com]

https://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15228 is the original poem by Adrienne Rich. Not the first verse, but part of the poem.


Thanks.

[emo-snal.livejournal.com]

ah thanks (: Well its the best verse (:

[momebie.livejournal.com]

Everyone is a little lost. We'll find our way, though.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

Lovely. I love Adrienne Rich, and you did a great job building off of her.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

This line really stuck with me: "I’ve rummaged in sex and razor blades." Powerful.

Leaving behind labels and finding new ways to define ourselves is a beautiful and awesome part of being human. Best of luck in your journey! :)

[jensi08.livejournal.com]

Wonderful job with this!!

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm glad you're healing. :)

[jenny_evergreen]

Well done, and good luck.

[phoenixejc.livejournal.com]

Very relatable. Nicely done!