eeyore_grrl | Am I Crazy? (LJ Idol: Exhibit A)

Am I crazy? Is that for me to judge? I am searching and creating a new sanity as I type. As I was yesterday and as I am as you read these words. The current one, the one doled out to me thus far isn’t working for me. Isn’t cutting it. Isn’t right.

So I search. And I search. I’ve looked in nooks and crannies. I’ve rummaged in sex and razor blades. I’ve gone on wild goose hunts through drowning in alcohol. Battled demons I still don’t even know how to name, or don’t want to give the power of retelling anymore.

I’ve mostly realized that I’m not crazy. I get depressed. I’m not perfect, but I’m not hopeless, just a little lost.

So here I go, continuing forth on this journey towards a new sanity. Leaving any thoughts of crazy behind. Taking control of who I am and the labels I use. Searching and finding. I am healing from the crazy, the wreck I was. I am moving forward and leaving that behind. So, am I crazy. Nope. I am gaining a new sanity, leaving the wreck behind.

---------------------------------

the wreck and the story of the wreck

the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth

-- Adrienne Rich, Diving into the Wreck

i am the evidence of damage
the wreck and the story of the wreck
it is etched into my arms with razor blades
onto my face with age

i am the wreck and the story of the wreck

but i am also the deep sea diver that found the gold

that found the antiquities and brought them to light

i am refusing to be

lost at sea

discounting ties to Amelia Earheart
because i refuse to go unfound
i refuse to die unseen and enigmatic
i will tell the story of the wreck
but i will not continue to live it

~~cdr 2012

And on video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HiWk8PByBg&feature=share

(This is Week 1 for LJ Idol: Exhibit A -- http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/611538.html)

Am I Crazy? (LJ Idol: Exhibit A)

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