life used to be hard (for maria and tina) life used to be hard i mean, in a way that breathing was difficult opening my eyes every morning spelled failure and placing footstep after footstep was momentous i mean, in a way that every bridge with a low fence struck me as a blessing the trees beckoned to me while i drove and razorblades wrote their poetry on my skin i used to know life only through pain and struggle i thought that they were one and the same i thought that life was only numbness and tears life used to be hard i knew laughter and smiles but there were so many more messages of fighting i saw blood and weapons on the street drugs and violence in the places we lived i became the daughter that learned of books and silence my brother learned about adrenaline and jumped off mountains we grew from rocky ground evolving into different species i thought that i needed the struggle to feel alive that it was the only way that there was only pain but now i breathe deeply in california kiss my husband every day and i can feel my son’s heartbeat when i look at him i wash the sleepies from my eyes every morning glad that i have woken yet again that i am alive to see a new day most mornings i walk my son to school foot follows foot for a mile we talk about our lives and about what we are learning i relish the fact that life itself is no longer a struggle i mean, i view bridges as paths trees are now friends offering oxygen and beauty and razorblades are nothing more than tools and memories i want you to know that i am not alone that you are not alone in this world that feeds you struggle after struggle keep hanging on i mean, i mean that i want you to live because you are worth the struggle and i’m not done learning from your songs
suicide triptych 1 absolution forgive me please, forgive me for trying to die for swallowing my fear in the shape of trazadone bottles forgive me for trying to replace my blood with alcohol spirits trying to numb to hide to die because it can be so fucking hard to hate myself to look at my scars criss cross applesauce life lines each scar a release where tears could not reach this is why i am so afraid to feel because because emotions led me here to a place of death and blood of scars that i can still touch (history of relief) because in the dappled light of day of life I stand alone ready to fall it is a fight that i always lose it is a fight that i still rise for forgive me. I. Forgive. Me. I fight for life. 2 Andrew tall, dark, and handsome he swam into the ocean belly full of medicine (powdered for maximum absorption) he swam out -- the horizon his last desire arm over arm salt water spraying the pacific r e a c h e d out a slap in the face his eyes open a dawning that life is to be lived (still) he looks back hoping that the shore will not recede hoping that his strength will remain unhampered by the medicine streaming through his veins early morning fingers of sunlight touch the beach fishing pole in hand a stranger becomes a fisher of men of man a life saved breath continues the ocean cannot claim you 3 CalTrain two girls stand on the verge of womanhood the edge of the platform (too much make-up too much skin so much youth potential they are beautiful) they hang handmade signs with duct tape smiling faces of the dead bright and shiny words a heart near his name this is where they died the friends of the living teens i see now these signs merely a memory a ghost smile held so tenuously together with duct tape and tears tomorrow there will be flowers a stuffed giraffe two more girls cross legged while the trains whistle by two more oceans of saltwater innocence lost i add my tears to this altar in memory of children that i never knew forgive me. i tried. i forgive you.
or watch me read it here:
VOTE HERE: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/
together “suicide” i can hear you say it voice a harsh whisper i can even hear the quote marks placed around the word as if punctuation can save you or change the recent past it cannot oh, god, and i’ve been there the word a whisper in my head over and over again oh, god, and i’ve been there the word shouted sudden in my head “suicide” demanded by someone other than myself by someone that lives in my head and lies and lies and lies and lies and lies “suicide” i can feel you looking at me i am a woman marked the sword of damocles on my wrists my heart i am a woman marked by the truth by the past a woman marked by poets i love and a tendency towards darkness and death today i do not want to die i want to live my life with a clear mind live my life with clear intent live my life but it is never that easy never so clear cut there is a battle to be won a battle waged with chemicals and pills a battle waged in propaganda posters covering my eyes and sometimes we, as a whole, forget forget that depression is an illness that lurks and hides that hides behind smiles and laughter and jokes that talent and money can’t save us but i can you can caring hearts can take away the scare quotes when you say the word suicide suicide suicide get used to the feel of the word on your tongue and speak its name when it comes speak its name and drop the sword with great power comes great responsibility hug your friends hug your family hug strangers that need to be touched and reminded together together we can put away the knives close the ovens wind the rope back up together we can live
Hear and see me read here:
If you or someone you know is in danger, is believing the lies of depression, please call 1-800-SUICIDE anywhere in the continental US. Life sometimes sucks, but has so much more to offer.
This was written for week 17 of LJ IDOL SEASON 9. The topic was "Scare Quotes."
If you like what you read/hear/see please go vote for me. :-) http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/