eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)

                 life used to be hard
	 	                 (for maria and tina)




life used to be hard


i mean, in a way that breathing was difficult
	   opening my eyes every morning spelled failure
               and placing footstep after footstep was momentous


i mean, in a way that every bridge with a low fence struck me as a blessing
            the trees beckoned to me while i drove
            and razorblades wrote their poetry on my skin


i used to know life only through pain and struggle
	i thought that they were one and the same
	i thought that life was only numbness and tears


life used to be hard
	i knew laughter and smiles
but there were so many more messages of fighting
i saw blood and weapons on the street
drugs and violence in the places we lived


i became the daughter that learned of books and silence
my brother learned about adrenaline and jumped off mountains
we grew from rocky ground evolving into different species


i thought that i needed the struggle to feel alive
	that it was the only way 
	that
	       there was only pain


but now i breathe deeply in california
	kiss my husband every day
	and i can feel my son’s heartbeat when i look at him


i wash the sleepies from my eyes every morning
	glad that i have woken yet again
	that i am alive to see a new day


most mornings i walk my son to school
	foot follows foot for a mile
	we talk about our lives and about what we are learning 


i relish the fact that life itself is no longer a struggle
i mean, i view bridges as paths 
      	 trees are now friends offering oxygen and beauty
	 and razorblades are nothing more than tools and memories


i want you to know that i am not alone
	that you are not alone in this world that feeds you struggle after struggle
	keep hanging on
	
i mean, i mean that i want you to live
	because you are worth the struggle
	and i’m not done learning from your songs

eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)
                            suicide triptych
                                   1
                               absolution

forgive me
	please,   forgive me
		   for trying to die
		   for swallowing my fear in the shape of trazadone bottles

forgive me
	for trying to replace my blood
	with alcohol spirits
	trying to numb
	          to hide
	          to die

because it can be so fucking hard
		       to hate myself
		       to look at my scars
	criss 
			cross
		applesauce
				life lines
	each scar a release
	where tears could not reach

this is why i am so afraid to feel

because
	    because
       emotions 
 		led me here
	to a place of death
				and
				        blood
		     of scars that i can still touch

			(history of relief)

because
	in the dappled light of day
			         of life

	I          stand          alone
	
	ready
	to 
	fall

it is a fight that i always lose
it is a fight that i still rise for

forgive me.

	I.  Forgive. Me.

             I fight for life.



                            2
                          Andrew

tall, dark, and handsome he swam into the ocean
   belly full of medicine
		(powdered for maximum absorption)
	he swam out -- the horizon his last desire

arm over arm
	salt water spraying
	the pacific   r e a c h e d   out
	a      slap    in the face

his eyes open
      a dawning
	     that life is to be 
			        lived
			        (still)
he looks back
     hoping that the shore will not recede
     hoping that his strength
		       will remain unhampered 
		       by the medicine streaming through his veins



early morning
	fingers of sunlight touch the beach
	fishing pole in hand a stranger becomes a fisher of men
							         of man

	a life saved
	
	breath continues

the ocean cannot claim you


                               3
                            CalTrain

two girls stand on the verge of womanhood
		      the edge of the platform
		(too much make-up
		 too much skin
		 so much youth
			    potential
			they are beautiful)
they hang handmade signs with duct tape
	smiling faces of the dead
	     bright and shiny words
	     a heart near his name

this is where they died
	the friends of the living teens i see now
	these signs merely a memory
			        a ghost smile
		held so tenuously together with duct tape and tears

tomorrow there will be flowers
			  a stuffed giraffe
		two more girls cross legged while the trains whistle by
				two more oceans of saltwater innocence lost
		i add my tears to this altar
		in memory of children that i never knew

	forgive me.
		i tried.
	 	     i forgive you.



or watch me read it here:



VOTE HERE: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/803824.html
eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)

				together


“suicide”
	i can hear you say it
	voice a harsh whisper
		i can even hear the quote marks placed around the word
			as if punctuation can save you
					or change the recent past


			it
		       cannot 

oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word a whisper in my head
	over and over again
oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word shouted
		    sudden in my head
	“suicide” demanded by someone other than myself
				by someone that lives in my head and lies
	
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies

“suicide” i can feel you looking at me
	i am a woman marked 
			the sword of damocles on my wrists
						         my heart
	i am a woman marked by the truth
				   by the past
		a woman marked by poets i love
				and a tendency towards darkness and death

today i do not want to die

i want to live my life with a clear mind
		live my life with clear intent
			live my life

but it is never that easy
	  never so clear cut
	
there is a battle to be won
		a battle waged with chemicals and pills
		a battle waged in propaganda 
			posters covering my eyes

and sometimes we, as a whole, forget
	forget that depression is an illness that lurks and hides
						that hides behind smiles
								      and laughter
   								      and jokes
		that talent and money can’t save us

but i can
      you can
	caring hearts can

take away the scare quotes when you say the word
suicide
suicide
suicide

get used to the feel of the word on your tongue

and speak its name when it comes
	speak its name
	and drop the sword
       with great power comes great responsibility
hug your friends
hug your family
hug strangers that need to be touched and reminded

together
		together we can put away the knives
					close the ovens
					wind the rope back up
together we can live



Hear and see me read here:



If you or someone you know is in danger, is believing the lies of depression, please call 1-800-SUICIDE anywhere in the continental US. Life sometimes sucks, but has so much more to offer.

--
This was written for week 17 of LJ IDOL SEASON 9. The topic was "Scare Quotes."

If you like what you read/hear/see please go vote for me. :-) http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/769027.html

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