eeyore_grrl: (kiss kiss girl girl)

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I wanted to write their names, but I can’t bring myself to read them. I can’t even double check the death toll. Or add Bangs for the injured. I wanted to write a poem to say how I feel about the Pulse Massacre in Orlando. But the poem that is on my lips, in my fingers, etching itself into my heart is one that requires details. Details. I can’t deal with details and won’t make myself for the sake of art; Right now I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the Big Picture. The fact that this happened. I can’t handle the details right now, and that’s ok. I don’t have to.


This is self-care.


I wanted to find the times. The time started. The length of time. What time of his life led him to hate the

Lesbian

Gay

Bisexual

Transgender

Queer

+

Community. What time of day was it when he planned this massacre. When will we outlaw guns like this? When will we outlaw guns like this? When will we outlaw guns like this? The length of time it takes to create a monster?


I think that I need to be more queer. More loud. More political. I have been busy with my husband and child; living the suburban dream and being ok with it. But this time I’m really going to write letters to my elected officials. (In longhand that they can think of me as a person, not a printer, not a chainmail.) And I’m going to be more vocal about my beliefs. I’m going to challenge others. I’ll do it calmly. The fact that this was specifically perpetrated against the queer community makes me want to go about kissing women in public. In photographs. To reaffirm my solidarity. To normalize. To show that we are indeed here, we are indeed queer, and really, you best get used to it.


When I can safely look at the details I will ingest them and digest them. I will turn details into stardust and record names into art. I will help the future look back and weep for us, with us. I will help explain this in emotion. In heartsong. In the delicate language of a wrist’s pulse I will speak my pieces. I will check and double check the facts that I use. The spelling of names.


I will exude love. Or, at least, I’ll try. Then I will try harder. And, so very importantly, I’ll remember that anger doesn’t nullify love. That sometimes sheer anger is the most useful reaction, because every reaction causes an equal and opposite reaction and the world needs more love.


One day

I will write their names.

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