eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)
                            suicide triptych
                                   1
                               absolution

forgive me
	please,   forgive me
		   for trying to die
		   for swallowing my fear in the shape of trazadone bottles

forgive me
	for trying to replace my blood
	with alcohol spirits
	trying to numb
	          to hide
	          to die

because it can be so fucking hard
		       to hate myself
		       to look at my scars
	criss 
			cross
		applesauce
				life lines
	each scar a release
	where tears could not reach

this is why i am so afraid to feel

because
	    because
       emotions 
 		led me here
	to a place of death
				and
				        blood
		     of scars that i can still touch

			(history of relief)

because
	in the dappled light of day
			         of life

	I          stand          alone
	
	ready
	to 
	fall

it is a fight that i always lose
it is a fight that i still rise for

forgive me.

	I.  Forgive. Me.

             I fight for life.



                            2
                          Andrew

tall, dark, and handsome he swam into the ocean
   belly full of medicine
		(powdered for maximum absorption)
	he swam out -- the horizon his last desire

arm over arm
	salt water spraying
	the pacific   r e a c h e d   out
	a      slap    in the face

his eyes open
      a dawning
	     that life is to be 
			        lived
			        (still)
he looks back
     hoping that the shore will not recede
     hoping that his strength
		       will remain unhampered 
		       by the medicine streaming through his veins



early morning
	fingers of sunlight touch the beach
	fishing pole in hand a stranger becomes a fisher of men
							         of man

	a life saved
	
	breath continues

the ocean cannot claim you


                               3
                            CalTrain

two girls stand on the verge of womanhood
		      the edge of the platform
		(too much make-up
		 too much skin
		 so much youth
			    potential
			they are beautiful)
they hang handmade signs with duct tape
	smiling faces of the dead
	     bright and shiny words
	     a heart near his name

this is where they died
	the friends of the living teens i see now
	these signs merely a memory
			        a ghost smile
		held so tenuously together with duct tape and tears

tomorrow there will be flowers
			  a stuffed giraffe
		two more girls cross legged while the trains whistle by
				two more oceans of saltwater innocence lost
		i add my tears to this altar
		in memory of children that i never knew

	forgive me.
		i tried.
	 	     i forgive you.



or watch me read it here:



VOTE HERE: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/803824.html
eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)
		Rapture of the Deep

it starts like every other dive
check the equipment
	air tanks
	air valves
	secondary equipment
			(may i never need to save you)

and then we start
waist deep in the ocean we struggle to put on our fins
(watching the youngsters do it with ease
	-- dear goddess when did we get so old)

then the fun begins
we drop down
	weighted in our suits
		we kill the buoyancy
	we drop 
	slowly
	deeper into the ocean

the fish are amazing
	even in the murky cold of Monterey
  	i think i saw a jellyfish
	i know i saw starfish and urchins

i’m losing you through the haze
	through the murk
	through the darkness

and i go deeper
	and deeper
		and deeper

oh the beauty of this underwater landscape
	where did you go?	
		you were right here
 	(you never dive alone)
	ahhhh, the fishies, so wonderful to watch
		i see one, two, a hundred and three
	but i don’t see you

and maybe that’s okay
	i’m fine without a dive buddy today
		you’ll be okay
		i’m wonderful

the murky landscape becomes so much more clear
	pinpointed and calm
	the fish dart about
	like i’m watching them through a tube of color

ahhhhhhhhhh
	so relaxing
		so enticing
			so . . .
				beautiful
				(i’m sorry, sometimes words fail)

but maybe i shouldn’t be alone down here
	a warning clicks in my head
	maybe i shouldn’t feel so light and heady 
		50 feet under the ocean
	maybe
	maybe 
	maybe

and here you are
	signing into my mask that time is up
		and it is time to go up

slowly
slowly
slowly

i realize the danger of this beauty
	that the rapture of the deep
	can kill
	and heaven may have been closer than i know



This was written for Intersection Week; My partner is [livejournal.com profile] kehlen_crow. Her prose about Intersubjectivity and drowning and live theatre can be found at http://kehlen-crow.livejournal.com/943025.html?mode=reply#add_comment. The intermingle of our work is gently, but there and clear as day when you see it.

You can see and hear me read mine (recorded when I was outside of starbucks... so there is extraneous noise) at
.

Have a lovely.
eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)

				together


“suicide”
	i can hear you say it
	voice a harsh whisper
		i can even hear the quote marks placed around the word
			as if punctuation can save you
					or change the recent past


			it
		       cannot 

oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word a whisper in my head
	over and over again
oh, god, and i’ve been there
	the word shouted
		    sudden in my head
	“suicide” demanded by someone other than myself
				by someone that lives in my head and lies
	
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies
		and lies

“suicide” i can feel you looking at me
	i am a woman marked 
			the sword of damocles on my wrists
						         my heart
	i am a woman marked by the truth
				   by the past
		a woman marked by poets i love
				and a tendency towards darkness and death

today i do not want to die

i want to live my life with a clear mind
		live my life with clear intent
			live my life

but it is never that easy
	  never so clear cut
	
there is a battle to be won
		a battle waged with chemicals and pills
		a battle waged in propaganda 
			posters covering my eyes

and sometimes we, as a whole, forget
	forget that depression is an illness that lurks and hides
						that hides behind smiles
								      and laughter
   								      and jokes
		that talent and money can’t save us

but i can
      you can
	caring hearts can

take away the scare quotes when you say the word
suicide
suicide
suicide

get used to the feel of the word on your tongue

and speak its name when it comes
	speak its name
	and drop the sword
       with great power comes great responsibility
hug your friends
hug your family
hug strangers that need to be touched and reminded

together
		together we can put away the knives
					close the ovens
					wind the rope back up
together we can live



Hear and see me read here:



If you or someone you know is in danger, is believing the lies of depression, please call 1-800-SUICIDE anywhere in the continental US. Life sometimes sucks, but has so much more to offer.

--
This was written for week 17 of LJ IDOL SEASON 9. The topic was "Scare Quotes."

If you like what you read/hear/see please go vote for me. :-) http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/769027.html
eeyore_grrl: (carey purple streaks)
   

                         If you have come here to help me, you are wasting our time


so much news
another mass shooting
this time in my state
by a man deemed a psycho

i watched his video, his pledge to kill
i heard him say that it was not fair
that he should not be a virgin while others had sex

i’ve heard others defend the generality of men
it’s isn’t all of us, all of them

and it’s not
it is not all men who might kill me
		   	might hurt me
but how can i tell which will

if you have come here to help me,
to tell me that it’s not all men
that are dangerous,
you are wasting your time

this is a fact that i am well aware of
but often the fact that permeates my being
is that some men are dangerous
           some will go on a shooting spree trying to kill all the beautiful women
  	while more might take me and hold me down, forcing me
	and some might try

if you’ve come here to tell me
that it’s because he had an illness
normal people don’t kill
i’ll tell you that you are wasting your time
because, i know this and you’re wrong

he has a diagnosis and a family
and neither of those are why he chose his path
i’ve a diagnosis, different, but real
and i have no intent to take others with me when i go
                no intent to hurt others

i have known people, students and friends
in similar situations
who did not, would not kill
do not vilify the diagnosis

and this man had a sense of entitlement that exceeds expectation
he spoke of how he deserved women and sex and care

and we all deserve care and love
but this was different
      he was full of anger and a belief that he was owed these things
		that he was owed these things by the women he saw

women are not yours for the taking
	not yours as objects

we have the right to say no
		and the right to say yes

we have the right to live in safety
		without fear that every man 
may be that one man

if you have come here to help me,
to correct me,
to tell me i’m wrong, or overreacting
you are wasting 
		    your time



-----------
Typically, I leave the public reactions to tragedies to those who write more eloquently, to those who write more quickly, to those who have a say in the matter at hand...

I do have a say as a member of society. So do you.

It's time to get some real gun legislation in the United States. And some better mental health care, but this time he did have access, so that's not today's fight...

May all of those affected by gun violence find some peace in their lives. I am sorry for your loss and your pain. You have my condolences. 

---------

This was written for LJ Idol Season 9, Week 10. http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/741490.html?view=73836402#t73836402

Voting will be updated here later. VOTE HERE: http://therealljidol.livejournal.com/743480.html

Watch and hear me read here: 

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