suicide triptych 1 absolution forgive me please, forgive me for trying to die for swallowing my fear in the shape of trazadone bottles forgive me for trying to replace my blood with alcohol spirits trying to numb to hide to die because it can be so fucking hard to hate myself to look at my scars criss cross applesauce life lines each scar a release where tears could not reach this is why i am so afraid to feel because because emotions led me here to a place of death and blood of scars that i can still touch (history of relief) because in the dappled light of day of life I stand alone ready to fall it is a fight that i always lose it is a fight that i still rise for forgive me. I. Forgive. Me. I fight for life. 2 Andrew tall, dark, and handsome he swam into the ocean belly full of medicine (powdered for maximum absorption) he swam out -- the horizon his last desire arm over arm salt water spraying the pacific r e a c h e d out a slap in the face his eyes open a dawning that life is to be lived (still) he looks back hoping that the shore will not recede hoping that his strength will remain unhampered by the medicine streaming through his veins early morning fingers of sunlight touch the beach fishing pole in hand a stranger becomes a fisher of men of man a life saved breath continues the ocean cannot claim you 3 CalTrain two girls stand on the verge of womanhood the edge of the platform (too much make-up too much skin so much youth potential they are beautiful) they hang handmade signs with duct tape smiling faces of the dead bright and shiny words a heart near his name this is where they died the friends of the living teens i see now these signs merely a memory a ghost smile held so tenuously together with duct tape and tears tomorrow there will be flowers a stuffed giraffe two more girls cross legged while the trains whistle by two more oceans of saltwater innocence lost i add my tears to this altar in memory of children that i never knew forgive me. i tried. i forgive you.
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